As a people, we like to bury our heads so far in the ground, trying to pretend that the problems we have, are something else. The answer might be staring at you right in your face but we just assume it will fix itself and ignore it. No matter how much a cry for help we might offer, our pleas are laughed away like it is nothing but just a joke or something that came with the boat.
I might not be as old or as experienced as the people around me, or even my peers but I understand that, even if you sweep the problem under the rug, it will just keep growing and explode in your face. Most are afraid to speak out, to show emotion, to show that they have a problem.
It shouldn’t be hard to say am not better. That I need help. To speak out and just say I need someone. The burden carried is too heavy for just me. But we are society that likes to hide. To close our eyes and just say, its not there. But, we all need a light bulb moment. We need to understand that the excuse,its a white mans disease, is not sufficient.
Am haunted by the ghost of a past I wasted. By a present where I crave company, but seek solitude to hide away my difference. By a future that is too far away, out of reach and blanketed by a mist. I cannot see past today and even today is fuzzy. I want out. Of this life of my ghosts, of the depression, of the self hate, of the emptiness.
Am scared shitless of what might happen if I were to lose the fight. They say its good to know yourself and your reactions but you know what, eff you! I know what my reactions will be and they will not be the pretty psycho babble you preach. It will be devastation, it will be pain, it will be blood.
I need an out. We all need an out. Before the voices, begin to sound right.
Weird facts you don’t want to know but I’ll tell you anyway.