“Am at war.”
The words in my head say I am wrong,
The etchings on my heart says this is true,
I have hands holding me down,
I never break free of the binds they hold,
I whisper but scream Help! To anyone and everyone,
Am unseen in a cell crafted by unbendable steel,
My cries echo in this chamber,
Coming back as smug laughter,
I struggle and whimper as the binds start cutting into me,
I feel a wetness, on my arms, legs and body,
I cannot see it but I know its blood,
Am bleeding on this floor,
This floor am trapped on,
Full of despair, disdain, and denial,
I want to blame someone for my pain,
For my self-loathing,
But the answer has always been clear,
The demon standing in my way,
That wall I can’t seem to climb,
That taunting voice I despise,
I am the War against me.
(image: Chris Rahn)
When your soul is split in two only pain will reign.
I think I cracked something the other day as I tried to smile,
The weakness in me that I stored behind a wall started seeping through,
I don’t know how the world would view all that is within me,
I don’t even like to look it in the eye cause of what I see,
The monster looking back is never what you think,
It’s covered in a smile with words that bleed,
It’s dressed in vibrant colors even as it eyes darken your thoughts,
It says it’s what I deserve after everything,
It’s what I look and see every day in the mirror.
At times the monster within wins…
Have you ever felt like your life included a marathon where you are fighting to survive in a world filled with zombies and all you need is a break with a good book and junk food? Well maybe its just me. 😛
I know I have been away for a few weeks but every few months I get into this funk that I just don’t feel like doing anything. I call it my reflections period cause I do nothing but read novel after novel. I always have these thoughts that I want to share but by the time I get down to write them the thoughts have flitted away. So I end up having the … moment. I hate it when I see those three dots appear in a message board. So imagine it happening in your head. Its like my brain is telling me its on break. #messed up
So what have y’all been up to? If I haven’t been to your blog in a few weeks I promise to visit as soon as this post is done.
The crazy is back. At least until another of my reflections period.
(breaktime- fishbone76, deviantart)
Being prepared is what being an adult is all about- I think! :|. With everyone calling me crazy I decided to take the initiative and prepare myself for the eventuality that they maybe right. So I picked my friendships with care and reasoning. My two best friends are both in the field of medicine. One is a psychiatrist and the other is a pharmacist. So free meds and someone to always listen to me. Am I smart or what? After I wrote that I realized that I might be the less smart one in this bunch. Everyone went to med school! Damn it!
PS: Dear friends, I am only using you for your medical expertise. :p
Weird facts you don’t want to know but I’ll tell you anyway.
I finally understand why people usually ask me how old I am or if I’ve ever been to a psychiatrist. Example, if you go through my blog the featured images I use are usually of cartoons or drowning people or food. This basically translates to mean I have the mentality of a wanna be serial killer toddler who is always hungry.
Messed up plans since 2014.
Am not sure when it went wrong,
Was it when…,
No, that was my fault,
No, that was still me,
I keep turning it in my head,
The choices, decisions, that led me here,
I can’t pinpoint what I did,
Was it me?
(image: Julie Cranfill)
Weird facts you don’t want to know but I’ll tell you anyway…
Fighting words for this weekend… Always add a little silly into the mix 😛
Messed up plans since 2014